and we're off!

masa trying to sneak on board

in a couple of hours, i'll be boarding a plane to go to cambodia. i don't think it's hit me until just now that i'm going to spend the next three weeks visiting orphanages, safe houses, human rights organizations and womyn's organizations in both cambodia and vietnam.

i've got a 100lb bag the size of two small women sitting at my feet right now. it's full of clothing, medicine and thousands upon thousands of condoms and lube. going through cambodian customs is going to be AWESOME.

i wrote this earlier to a friend. this is pretty much how i'm feeling at the moment:

last night, on the drive back up, someone asked me--so what are you going to do in cambodia? i took a second to think about it all, and i got really emotional. i know that going to cambodia on this trip, that the experiences i'll have there will have an impact so great on my soul that i'll return a little different.

i can't stop thinking about this image i have in my head. it was six years ago, on top of a hill in siem reap, in the midst of an ancient site. i was sitting down, watching the sun slowly dip back into the folds of the jungle, hearing the buzz of a million dragonflies everywhere, thinking about my life. at the time, i was in the sixth month of a self-imposed period of celibacy and was thinking about the relationships i had in my life, my fear of allowing myself to connect to others in a truly intentional and loving way. i heard a rustle, looked up and saw a young monk, wrapped in his modest orange robes, slinked at the bottom corner of an ancient doorway, who had also climbed the mountain to watch the beautiful sun set.

being there, in a moment that felt so surreal but completely grounded in reality did something to me. i felt as if this deep sense of oppression that i had been carrying for most of my life but hadn't ever noticed before, all of a sudden broke off. i remember taking in a really deep breath, almost gasping, like it was my first time breathing really clean and fresh air. and i remember being shaken by this intense emotional feeling that seemed to take over my body and loosen all this happiness that had been so carefully and closely guarded within my body.

i have never been the same since.

i imagine that this coming trip is going to be full of experiences like that again.

::sighs::